Questions & Answers

First, take an honest look at your anger issues around being a caregiver. If you have continuous responsibility for a person with Alzheimer's, you probably get very tired, lonely, and fed up from time to time. Under such circumstances small irritations can lead to feeling a great deal of anger.

Since it's your husband who has Alzheimer's, you may have feelings of anger that are really connected with your sense of loss. Perhaps you feel that his illness has stolen what was once yours, as well as stealing away your future dreams of having a good retirement together. It's natural to feel angry toward a partner who can no longer fulfill the balancing role you once appreciated.

I hope you are attending a regular support group and that you will also consider going into therapy to explore deepest feelings and learn how to cope. Stress management and a care plan for yourself that includes exercise (a great stress reducer) as well as making sure you follow a good diet.

"I took my grandmother, who has dementia, out for a walk last week. We were walking across the grass when the sprinklers went on. Well, you should have heard her yell! I thought she was going to have a heart attack. What was going on?"

Your grandmother was having a "catastrophic reaction."

This means over-reaction to an event or stimulus, either in the form of anger, fear, anxiety, grief, or some other emotionally powerful way. This reaction probably happened because your grandmother no longer cognitively knows that water will come rushing out of a sprinkler and the sudden event frightened her. She did not understand what was going on, why the water was pouring out, or what she should do about it. In other situations, over-reaction may arise because the person with Alzheimer's misinterprets a situation.

Undoubtedly he shouldn't be driving. No one with dementia should be driving. Most states require doctors to report patients with dementia so their licenses can be pulled. Of course, everyone knows how important it is to be free to drive. It is often the biggest factor in keeping a sense of independence in an older person like your father. In a way, to lose his car is to lose his ability to manage his life. However, recent research reveals that about 40 % of people diagnosed with dementia had a road accident or caused one in the six months before diagnosis.

Think how you'd feel if your father caused someone's death with his bad driving. And, if someone with Alzheimer's has any trauma, such as a car accident, it invariably brings about a decline in general ability to manage and a further step down in the course of the disease. Therefore, it is not the kindness it may seem to let your father continue driving until the inevitable accident. Get his doctor's help in stopping him from driving.

Be sure to put an alternative transportation plan into effect immediately so he can still get around.

From a medical stand point, the person with Alzheimer's needs to be under the continual supervision of a qualified medical doctor in order to stay in the best overall health possible. Poor overall health is associated with greater symptoms of Alzheimer's, so maintaining healthy habits may reduce symptoms. We need to ask ourselves what we are saving people for - so they can "DO" good Alzheimer's disease? You may simply consider it not worth the struggle.

In my non-medical opinion, as long as a person with Alzheimer's is not grossly overweight or diabetic, rigid diets are not as important as they once might have been. Putting a person who already has a terminal and profoundly limiting illness on a healthier diet seems somewhat irrelevant. In my case as a caregiver this was more relevent in the final stages of my mothers story, She loved ice cream had had major difficulties with swallowing. She was at that time also heavily medicated. In my mind, it was a case of I just want her to be comfortable and happy.

So ... I'm with you on this one, particularly as the illness progresses

It's probably you because you let it be. Families often quietly designate one member to do the caregiving. There is no pattern to this designation. Sometimes it will be an unmarried daughter, or more rarely an unmarried son. However, it may also be one particular family member, whether married or not, with children or not. The choice is obviously connected with previously assumed family roles. Perhaps you volunteered in the past to carry out caregiving roles. Perhaps you just did not resist being put in the role.

It's time to tell everyone how you want things to be different. As you express clearly what you need, you may find others taking up more helpful roles, but you have to be specific about what you want for yourself, about the time you want, about the exact nature of the help you need. It is also possible that your brothers and sisters are in a different situation than yourself.

This was the case in our family. Every family where there is a need for a caregiver needs to communicate and let each other know that you need help. My advise, Talk to them, calmly and matter of factly. Your mother is also their mother and have the same feelings towards her.

I had a similar situation to this (and many conflicts). I decided that the easiest solution was to let her help. my solution was actually pretty simple.

I took the knives and made the blades completely square with the grinding wheel, then placed the knives back into the wooden block they had been stored in for years. A new set was kept in the drawer which I used. When my mother wanted to help I gave her a tomato and let her squash them with the knife, then cleaned it up by scraping the board into a saucepan and saying "thank you for the help why dont you sit in this chair and relax while I finish up."

Finding a solution isnt always easy but after a while many caregivers find creative ways to distract or get around the problem. What I am suggesting is that in most cases it is easier to distract or do something different than risk creating an problem behaviour or an espisode that stresses everyone.